FEAR!
It’s the monster in the closet, the boogey-man under your bed, heights, public speaking, and whatever other rational or irrational idea that might plague you. FEAR! Fear is defined as the “unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that something or someone is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” (Google). I define fear as “an invisible barrier present in both: opportune and inopportune times, which boast both: self-preservation and self-harm- without ever physically touching ones person.” Or, fear will either save your life or kill you. Fast or slow is all dependent upon yourself.
In a few short months, I will be turning 25 years old, God willing. My fear with this is aging. This is an irrational fear, because short of becoming a vampire- there is nothing I can do to stop the process! So the fear isn’t exactly that I am a quarter of a century, but more so- I feel as though I haven’t done anything worthwhile. I’m afraid that I will continue to waste the rest of my life doing nothing, as I have done since I was old enough to do things. Here is where I need to collect myself and get a grip on life! Yes, I have been fearful, but I have to give myself credit for the fears I overcome.
Within the last 4 years, I overcame two of the most important fears that were holding me back. They are the fear of rejection and the fear of airplanes. Now, I am not and have never been the skinniest of chicks nor am I the prettiest, but I know what I bring to the table. (Hence my blogs moniker: Fabulously Curved. I am big and I am beautiful and I feel good about it!) I collected myself and a few Polaroid’s and went to an open call/casting at a model agency in New York City. I knew this could go either of two ways: they would love my look and accept me or they would hate me and reject me faster than day old French fries. I had been interested in modeling since I discovered the Harry Potter book series. Hear me out! After reading the series, I started writing my own stories and I wild flip through magazines, looking for the perfect faces to go with my characters. It was often hard to find someone that looked like me- so I thought to myself, I can fix this by becoming someone in these pages. So years later when I finally decided I should stop being afraid- I finally went to the agency. I spent all those years scared of rejection for no reason! Obviously I did not gain a contract, but I got professional constructive criticism and an invitation to return after I’ve had some experience. The fear should not have been in the attempt, it should be in not ever having attempted it!
What about the airplanes? For the record, the first time I ever boarded a plane was when I was 8 years old. The only thing I remember was that that was the first time I’ve ever eaten a bagel with cream cheese. Because I could never recall the actual flight experience, I did not board a plane again until I was 23 years old. Fifteen years of being scared of planes because I could not fathom: how does something so gargantuan hold all those people and luggage and still have the ability to not fall out of the sky! Fortunately for me, the disposition and compulsion to wander and see the world were stronger. So at 23 I boarded a plane to Paris! I confess that I had my seatbelt on to the tightest degree and the flight attendants check on me periodically because I could not stop the tears from flowing. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life, and when the turbulence hit- I am 60% sure that my heart stopped several times! I did not get up until the plane came to a full stop. I did not even go to the bathroom. (I still refuse to go to the bathroom on a moving contraption. It’s just not going to happen… ever). Did I die though? No! So why was I afraid? Beyond the normal level of paranoia- there was nothing wrong.
So what’s the moral? “Only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” –Franklin D. Roosevelt. Well, that and actual things that can do us harm. However, don’t get caught up in fear, so much that you stop yourself from living a full, happy, and interesting life. This is something that I am working on, and I hope you are too.
As always, stay BEAUTIFUL inside, outside, sideways, and always!