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Spring Cleaning: Life Edition, Pt. 2

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In my previous post, I wrote about spring cleaning my bedroom. It wasn’t simply about the dust bunnies and piles of clothes and books- it was about throwing out attachments to emotions that were no longer healthy. Clear the clutter in your house, your heart, your mind, and your soul. Give yourself permission to let go of the fear of or in love and see what the world can offer! You owe it to yourself to start anew just like the season.

Moving on.

So in continuation of my cleaning, I moved on to de-clutter my closet. I made piles for donations, trash, and pieces to pass onto my younger siblings. After finishing with clothes and shoes, I began to sort through the books, folders, and journals that I had on the shelf. There I found even more items from my past. However, they weren’t items of past affections, they were items of past “OBSESSIONS!” All my former hopes and dreams conveniently organized into one accordion folder. After completely destroying all the contents and crying about it that night- I dubbed my closet “The Closet of Broken Dreams!”

If you’ve been keeping up with the vlog section of the site, a couple weeks back I posted video to YouTube entitled “Follow Your Dreams Rant.” I spoke about how I finally had the courage to tell mother about how I really felt about the whole process that is the current state of my life. I wish that I had followed my dreams instead of following my reality. I knew from the 1st day of college that it wasn’t for me. Yet, I wasted seven years of my youth trying to get a degree that I didn’t even want. It was my back up plan, but I was doing it for my parents. They are from a third world country and they wanted to see their children do better than them.

While I understand their perspective, they never seemed to be interested in mines. To them, school was everything. It led to better jobs and whatever else they thought. However, they never saw the endless tears. The sleepless nights. The panic attacked. Or even the class presentations. They didn’t know what level of stress school caused until my body broke down and I needed to be hospitalized for exhaustion. (Which, by the way, happened several times!)

In “The Closet of Broken Dreams,” all the research that I ever compiled on the modeling industry, casting agencies, talent schools, designer and model names- all of it was in there. I even memorized all the models in all the major agencies and runways of that year. Like, I was very knowledgeable. I was so passionate about it. I went out and subscribed to all the major fashion magazines and joined model forums just so I could be in the know.

At the end of the day, all I wanted was the chance to try my luck. I didn’t necessarily have to succeed, although that would’ve been nice- but trying was the goal. So when my mother- out of all people in the world, shut me down and dismissed the notion: it was a heartbreak worse than betrayal. Actually it was a betrayal between mother and daughter. Mothers are supposed to support their daughters in anything they wish to do, as long as no one gets hurt.

That was 18 years old.

At 23, I finally mustered up the courage to go to an open call, and it wasn’t that terrible. Obviously, I didn’t score a contract, but I accomplished a goal. I wanted to try and I finally did. I did not tell anyone where I was going that day, and I just got on a bus to New York and went for it. Maybe one day I’ll return and try again, but until then- I’m happy and I can put that dream to rest.

The point is, as long as it won’t put you or other people in immediate danger- FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Don’t be like me and discover shards of a broken dream while spring cleaning your closet. Life has too many things to offer. If no one else will, know that I support you!

As always, Stay BEAUTIFUL inside, outside, sideways, and always! XOXO

© 2015 by So Fabulously Curved.

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